"Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise"
DAY 908 September 2, 2016
16 is the hot topic for WDC. Let's talk about the number...where were
you, 16 minutes, 16 hours ago, 16 days ago, 16 months ago, 16 years ago?
Are there any similarities?
Where was I back...16 minutes ago?
It would have been just before 8am this morning. I was standing in the
first and second grade wing of my daughter's school talking with her new
first grade teacher about her first day. I was feeling positive and
happy, proud of my little girl and fully engaged with her new and
exciting journey.
Where was I back...16 hours ago?
I was sleeping, only to have woken up just after 1am for the third or
fourth night in a row. I loathe this trend. It leaves me feeling drained
in the morning, robbed of something essential I really need to make the
most out of my day.
Where was I back 16 days ago?
My daughter and I have established a yearly tradition of taking a trip
to Southwick Zoo each year. Sixteen days ago we were feeding baby pygmy
goats and shy deer, smacking up ice cream and riding the zoo train
through the beautiful elk forest. It is a fun day where we get to just
be together, experiencing one of our favorite places. I loved watching
her feeding the deer, her hand timidly outstretched toward graceful
animals who were just as timid and shy around her. We rode the skyline
together, watching the animals moving below our hanging toes. The ride
is basically modeled on a ski lift chair ride, molded to fit the terrain
of the little zoo. She liked the way it suddenly would speed up as it
banked around a turn or appeared to narrowly miss the tree tops as it
climbed up. For one harrowing moment, we stalled over the alligator pit
and she giggled and pointed to large green beast waiting below our
dangling legs. We ate our lunch all the while dogging chip-stealing
sparrows and overly curious wandering peacocks. It was a nice day.
Where was I back 16 months ago?
It gets harder to recall where I was on any specific day but sixteen
months ago, we would have been in the beginning of May. That would have
marked the last full month of kindergarten for my daughter. It had been
a remarkable year with a new school, a new uniform, a new routine. She
had done very well in her subjects as well as socially. She had made
wonderful new friends and she had developed a love of academics, math in
particular. The year was rapidly coming to an end on us and we were all
looking forward to summer.
Where was I back 16 years ago?
Sixteen years ago I would have been in my mid-20's. It is so difficult
for me to think back to who and what I was then. I had moved back from
from college, which had been one of the most defining times in my life
to date. I had been through a personally traumatic experience that I had
gone through without the knowledge of my friends or my family. I think I
was still struggling with the aftermath. I was involved in an
unhealthy relationship that had escalated to the level of abusive and I
was dealing with the fear and shame of where my life was heading. It
would be several more years before I pulled myself from that wreckage.
I'm glad to look back over the time leap above and find myself a wholly
different person today than I was all those years ago.
"Blogging Circle of Friends "
16 is the hot topic for WDC. Let's talk about your AHA moment when you
were 16, 32, 48, or 64? Were there any parallels that come to mind?
Inquiring minds want to know.
It is odd to spend so much time focused on looking back this morning,
particularly when I am so preoccupied with how quickly time is moving
forward as evidenced by my daughter already starting the first grade. I
feel that I can't possibly have a six year old already. How could she
have grown so much just this summer alone?
I'm not yet 48, and 64 seems light years away to me today. I'm certain
there will be many AHA moments as I stumbled my way to and through those
particular milestones. Today though, I can look back to age 16 and 32
with some clarity.
Looking back to age sixteen, I see now that I was living a bit
dangerously ahead of my years. I was smart about it but I was mixing
with things that I should have had no business with at that age. I can
see now that I was taxing the limits of my maturity with my boyfriend
but also exposing myself to emotions and experiences I would have been
better holding off a year or two. The 16 year old me was so egocentric
about life. I could only see the world on one level, I wasn't very good
at reading the messages around me, heading the warnings. I was a little
slow on the uptake. As a result, I found myself in situations that were
potentially harmful. If I had to pick one AHA moment it would have to be
that I often underestimated my ability to affect others by my behavior
and while it could have ended badly, thankfully it did not. I told
myself I was mature enough to handle things but looking back now, I see
how dangerous that attitude could have been. Luckily my boyfriend was a
good person, a kind person. He blew the whistle on a situation I could
not clearly see for myself.
My early thirties seemed a lot like one long, dark AHA moment. At 32 I
felt like I was just surfacing from a shit storm of trauma and grief. I
was just starting to consider the possibilities that life could be more
than loss and broken promises. I knew I was a survivor but I feared I
was also a loner and I would have to make peace with that. I was trying
to have faith. I was rebuilding my solitary life and finding strength in
reclaiming my home and my path. I was dating, but not seriously. I was
filling my needs in the ways that seemed safest for me at the time and
looking for love hadn't seemed safe or realistic. Then, somewhat
reluctantly, I went on a date with someone I had already deemed was "so
not my type". At my grandmother's urging, I drove to the local car park
to meet him, completely devoid of expectations. What followed would
prove to be the best date of my life. That date would lead to our
marriage two years later. My AHA moment at age 32 was realizing that
sometimes you can only really be open to finding love when you stop
looking for it. Most importantly, despite everything I had gone through I
always kept hope alive in my heart and my life today feels very much
like the reward for never having allowed myself to lose faith in that
hope.
